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Christian Jokes
Preacher and The Drunk
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Empty
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get
to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Conversation With God
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
Scientists Confession
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this?
Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "Oh No You Don't! Get your own dirt!"
A Little Boy's Prayer
"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
Church Funnies
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Boy and The Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
The Lord's Prayer
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Missing in Action
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It
was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on
either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the
boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. "What is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which
one, the 8:00 or the 10:30 service?
The Minister and the Kid
Two young lads had terrorized the neighborhood with their pranks and thefts. The parents didn't know what to do and finally with the assistance of their minister, it was decided that the clergy would intervene and attempt to straighten out the boys. The parents, needless to say, were ecstatic and wanted to send both boys immediately. The old minister declined and wished only the younger son. He would be more impressionable and would therefore assist in correcting the older boy. Everyone agreed and Billy, the youngest son was sent to the church that afternoon.
The lad arrived and was ushered into the church office where he was offered a very large chair in front of the desk. The minister then sat down opposite the lad. He folded his hands in front of him and stared at the boy a few seconds then said, "Where is God?"
Billy wasn't sure what the question meant, so he just sat there quietly.
The minister leaned over his desk, locked eyes, and said in a much stronger voice, "Where..is..God?"
Billy started to squirm. He had no idea why he was here and the minister kept asking the same question.
The minister then stood, again leaned over the desk and glared right at Billy. "Where is God?" he asked.
The poor boy was now really getting scared and snuggled back into the full chair. The minister, meanwhile, moved from behind his desk to stand directly in front of Billy and raised one hand upward to Heaven.
"WHERE...IS...GOD?" he bellowed at the lad.
Poor Billy lost it. What could he do? Here was a man of God, asking questions he didn't understand and he was scared. So he jumped up out of the chair, ran from the office, down the church aisle, out onto the sidewalk, up the street into his house. Then he raced up the stairs and into their bedroom.
"What's wrong, Billy?" his brother asked.
"Oh, Johnny," he said. "We're in BIG trouble this time. God's missing and they think we took Him."
Forest Gump Goes to Heven
The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
" Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song.
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE I'M HIS OWN......."
St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"
Invited to dinner
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Jesus at the gate
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "OK," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. Fine."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "So was my dad. Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
You CAN take it with you, but...
A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one small case with him. Overjoyed, the man fetched his small executive attache case, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to be greeted by St. Peter.
But St. Peter, seeing the attache case, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission, and asked him to verify his story with God.
St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one item of hand-luggage, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
He opened the attache case and stared at the amount of gold bars in shock. After a moment, St. Peter looked up and said,
"Of all the things you had to bring ...why did you bring pavement?
Religious Q and A
Why couldn't Cain please God with his offering? He just wasn't Abel
What insect went to Egypt on a donkey? The Flea: The angel told Joseph to take mary, the baby and flee into Egypt.
What animal could noah not trust? The Cheetah
When was Baseball first mentioned in the Bible? Genesis: In the Big inning
The Door To Miracles
7 Steps To Powerful Prayer
Your Access To Ultimate Success
How To Reach Your Impossible Dream
Intimately Aquainting Yourself With God
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